Day Eleven, I am still breathing so I guess I am coping. I didn’t break down today, but I thought of Dobby every moment possible. I keep looking for signs that he is okay and that he is still with me in spirit. I find that I am at peace the most when I am at home, even though every aspect of this house reminds me of his quirky, defiant ways. He was happiest here and I want to remember that part of him.
I still can’t find the courage to put his ashes down and I feel the need to hold them close more often than not. I know some think it is unhealthy, he is my baby and losing him was so much harder than I ever imagined. See I knew that day would come, as animals unfairly have such short lives, but I wasn’t ready for it to be now. My baby was ready, he fought hard for so long. The fair me knows he is no longer in pain. The selfish me, the grieving mama in me, well I want my baby back.
I know people don’t see animals the same as I do sometimes and so it is hard for them to understand the immense grief I feel. If you understand this then I know you have loved a fur baby as if they were human and that is a truly unconditional kind of love. My heart was never as full and now broken until Dobby Abu Evans wiggled into it.
In time, I will be able to place his ashes next to his picture and the lucky bamboo that a friend bought to honor his life. For now though I need to hold him, I need to grieve. I am coping, or at least attempting to. By the grace of God I will make it through this. Life is short, love hard.
Angel
Guts, Grace, And Grief 