I am still trying to cope, not that it has worked thus far. Have I placed his ashes in their spot? No. I’m not sure when or if I will. He goes where I go, he is in my heart for sure and I will see him again some day, but for now he goes where I go. I am not crying everyday like I was but my heart still is shattered, little things still cause so much grief and I don’t know that I will ever be okay without him.
I am told time will help, I am told it will be ok, take as long as I need. Well I need a lifetime I think. He is always close in thought and as if I haven’t cried enough tears, I now have unexplainable tears. I am nursing a concussion, and apparently this unexplained crying is a result of this injury. More tears, ha! Crying makes my head hurt so I really don’t want to cry more. It is but isn’t funny how this concussion came about.
Bad food and unsanitary practices at a restaurant sparked me to look for the grade of said restaurant. Oh I found it, 97.5 in case you are curious, but as I turned to exit the restaurant, I missed the door by a mile and walked right into the glass window next to the door. Think horrible human version of bird hitting window in the Windex commercials. I mean, ok, I have to hand it to them at least the windows were clean, their food handling practices not so much. I now am experiencing nausea, dizziness and the inability to focus for long. Medication for pain and nausea and resting my brain are the doctors orders. It makes work a bit hard, since using my brain to concentrate, problem solve etc is a huge part of my daily job.
I am resting now, I am missing my baby and I am focusing on my newest endeavor of sewing and machine embroidery. I am trying to get through this. I worry every single day about my family. My mama, still not quite over being sick. Now my sister passing kidney stones. I worry daily about my husband, mama, sister, brothers and my precious nieces and nephews. Time flies and they grow and as they continue their journey, each one with their own unique path, I worry.
I have family scattered near and far and I worry. I have friends that I cherish like family and I worry. I worry by nature and I love with my existence, so I am not good at not worrying or caring about those in my life. Life is short, love is eternal.
Live like there is no tomorrow, Love with all that you are, let go of anger, resentment, bitterness and guilt for when your sun sets none of those things will matter.
Angel
Guts, Grace, And Grief 