Anxiety!!

Day Twelve, not a good day at all. As I mentioned in my first post, my mama is not well. She has been in the hospital since Thursday with a severe kidney infection, or at least that is latest that we have been told. I went today to see her. Dobby was with me as I still cannot place his ashes next to the bamboo. I thought I could return to the hospital without feeling dread but I was ever so wrong. Luckily, Terry went with me.

I have not been there since the day my daddy died. Walking through those doors again was hard, then I had to get on the same elevator and then get off  on the same floor…panic set in quickly, but I reminded myself to breathe as I turned the corner away from the ICU doors. I visited my mama, who is very pale and looks weak right now.  I asked questions with my sister, not that we got any answers and then after a short visit I left. I went to my mama’s house hugged my sister, her kids and her grand baby and headed home.

Anxiety was creeping in, I felt the shortness of breath, the weak almost fainting feeling and the suffocating closed in feeling. I held on for the three-hour ride until I got home. I distracted myself doing laundry and dishes. Once settled I broke into that sobbing panic, the inability to breathe and I cried. I cried because my mama is sick, because my sister is overwhelmed and has strep, because my daddy is gone, because I can’t be strong for Terry as he is grieving and I cried because I want my baby back.

Anxiety is brutal. It goes hand in hand with grief and the two combined are unforgiving.

It will take faith and the grace of God to get me through this, I just pray I am strong enough, today I am not.

Angel