Day 13, 14, and 15 have been less than desirable . I still miss my baby so much, no I have not placed his ashes by the bamboo yet, well simply because I don’t have the courage to at this time. Grief is more than just mourning, it is a huge ball of emotions that roll over you and suck you into the core while continuing to speed out of control.
Everything is making me angry right now. I am angry that my baby is gone, angry that I couldn’t save him, angry that life around me has gone on, but mostly angry that I am angry. My body is holding in so much tension I literally feel like I may snap like a twig. Some may judge, some may understand but I finally relented to getting anxiety meds to help calm me. Of course, they make me so sleepy so I can’t take them at work. They help at night and I sleep some, but its restless. I am stressed and am trying so hard to cope. The good news is Mama is home from the hospital, yet that offers little relief as she is still sick.
Fear is my enemy. I am afraid of everything and since losing Dobby my fear has increased ten fold. Most days I feel like I am suffocating, as if I have an elephant using my chest as a foot prop. I remind my self to breathe but it isn’t always successful. My inhaler is close by and there is a paper bag somewhere in case of hyperventilation. Old fears, new fears; it doesn’t matter as it is all consuming me.
I am trying to cope, trying to pull myself together when in reality I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide until it all subsides. I feel helpless, lost, and broken.
Today I still am not strong enough to face it, maybe tomorrow. My baby boy is missed and my life has a huge hole. God’s grace is all I have and I pray it is enough. Love your family, life is too short.
Angel
Guts, Grace, And Grief 